Pain has never been so brilliant

hates_requiemx @ 2009-11-04T00:32:00

2009-11-04T05:33:45Z

i fit into the ultimate jeans i thought id never EVER be skinny enough to fit into.
WHY AM I STILL NOT HAPPY?!

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-28T16:49:00

2009-09-28T20:50:55Z

starting weight : 122
current weight : 113.5
~~goal weight 1: 118~~
~~goal weight 2: 114~~
goal weight 3: 110

3.5 more pounds.

~~122~~ ~~121~~ ~~120 119 118 117 116~~ ~~115 114~~ 113 112 111 110

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-27T20:50:00

2009-09-28T00:51:39Z

starting weight : 122
current weight : 115.5
~~goal weight 1: 118~~
goal weight 2: 114

closer...

~~122~~ ~~121~~ ~~120 119 118 117 116~~ 115 114 113 112 111

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-13T20:35:00

2009-09-14T01:03:41Z

I've decided that I'm going to replay my summer by writing down the events here. Kinda like a drama filled series. Then i will analyze those events and figure out why they happened or rather, why i let them happen.

I was so happy to be out of harmony heights {the school for girls with psychiatric needs}. But more about my uhm "needs" later. You see i was never really a fan of ... homosexuals.. and believe me this school was full of nasty ass lesbians ! but let me tell you those fat ugly bitches were such good thinspiration you should have seen them on free cookie day. ha. yes i have had sexual encounters with the same sex but i hate myself in the morning and its said that the most homophobic people are the ones with homosexual tendencies. thank GOD i am over that.

Now in Harmony Heights your not allowed to dress the way you want. Meaning : no short shorts , ripped jeans, and def not any offensive clothing. hmm guess i cant break out the anti semitic propaganda shirts. Anyway to try and bend the rules or get as close to breaking them as possible i decided to get gauges. Aka stretch my ear lobes out. I did until i was a size 00 meaning they were by far the biggest out anyone in the school and i was getting those wonderful little dirty looks from teachers and classmates alike.

The day of graduation i was beyond excited to GTFO. I listened as the ridiculous therapists sang their fagget ass inspirational songs and i just wanted to gag which wouldve been good since i think i was at my high weight. I had become very close friends with this girl Alexis. Although she isn't the typical person that i would be friends with she seemend to fit the mold.

Anyway the day before i had gone to Skin Deep and gotten my monroe piercing. That was mistake number one.

Now let's ask why.

When my dad noticed my monroe piercing he didn't talk to me all graduation and didn't even say congratulations, even after i got an unexpected scholarship. He was probably to busy thinking about how much alcohol he was going to consume that night so he didnt bother getting me a gift. Which is perfectly fine if u just say WOW MELISSA U FUCKING GRADUATED CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT SUCCESFULLY KILLING YOURSELF AND MAKING IT THROUGH TWO STAYS AT THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL. So once again my accomplishments were unnoticed and once again i felt like no matter how much i try i will never ever be good enough for him. I haven't gotten a single compliment from him in what seems like years.

Although i was going to miss some aspects of Harmony i was happy to see everyone go. Ha even my guidance counselor who i formed a little crush on. i mean its not like he would of been the first guy i slept with who was an authority figure. Except last time it was in South Oaks .. a um mental hospital.

:D

Then there was mistake #2 sitting in the front row smiling with that gay expression of perfect clean cut teen who for some reason i had a strange attraction for.

That mistake had a name & it was marino.
You see a week or two before my lovely boyfriend (Blake) of like 1 and god knows how many months decided it was time for us to take a break. wow shocker thanks asshole. so basically that meant him taking another girl to his prom. AWESOME. fucking dumbass. anywho naturally i was lonely and wanted affection, so marino was kinda there... ha.. well not really he had a somewhat similiar taste in music that i had and he didnt seem like a bad guy he was alright looking but couldnt compare to my boyfriend. Well finally few weeks later my bf got back together with me but didnt think it was important to tell me the details of what happened on his prom night. Which i had to find out from someone else which made the whole situation worse. All that happened was that his date kissed him like a peck .. supposebly. which i do believe but at the same time feel like maybe he kissed back. so anyway i decided to gt back together with blake but totally didnt tell marino about it. i kept hanging out with him behind my blakes back. after a few weeks we had sex and i finally felt like i got my revenge on blake for leaving me alone even if it was just a break. the only thing was my feelings for marino got stronger...

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-13T16:52:00

2009-09-13T20:55:47Z

my boyfriend is an idiot. im so pissed that i gave up everything for him my fucking social life. i use to go out every night and yeah i stopped because he didnt LIKE it. now hes all i have . its pathetic cuz i dont even know if i want him.

~~122 121 120 119~~ 118

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-11T20:07:00

2009-09-12T00:09:55Z

well following my plan ive managed to lose 1.5 pounds in 3 days but i really think it might be 2 pounds because i didnt weigh myself in the morning i did after i ate.
so everything is going good and im really enjoying exercising for a change.
i applied to soo many job the past week or so and im really hoping i get a call because god knows i need the money. but if i dont get a call by next week im going in person to a few places and applying there in the store. i think a tanning salon would be easy and fun so i think i might do that. especially since some are open 24 hours and i really can only work late hours.

starting weight : 122
current weight : 120.5
goal weight 1: 118

im close !

~~122~~ ~~121~~ 120 119 118 117 116 115 114

hates_requiemx @ 2009-09-08T16:30:00

2009-09-08T20:36:47Z

Plannn !

200 crunches a day followed by 40 pushups and treadmill & stretches to equal a total of 30 minutes of working out per day.
Less than 1000 calories everyday.
Increase water intake.
Goal Drop 4 pounds in one week minimum.
Starts tommorow. From Wednesday to next Wednesday.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-08-29T15:53:00

2009-08-29T19:56:38Z

i keep fucking guys and then leaving them. its like i need the satisfaction of them wanting me, then once i get it i find another guy who becomes my next target. its like proving to myself that i am desirable and that i can get whatever i want. even though its drastically hurting my emotional stability.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-07-06T18:01:00

2009-07-06T22:05:10Z

~~i had sex with someone last night and it wasn't my boyfriend.~~

i got completely trashed and my dad held my hair while i puked.

i watched my friend get in a fight with some random fat chick.

i flirted with guys twice my age.

i told someone the reason behind my scars and didnt cry.

that makes one hell of a weekend.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-06-04T17:09:00

2009-06-04T21:15:39Z

Sometimes i really want to kill myself. Sometimes I take one to many pills and pass out. I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to deal with the world anymore. I force myself to get up and do things with my life because i do want to be successful but i feel like im tearing apart at the seams. like one day im really going to collapse and never get up again. but maybe that's what i always wanted. a never ending sleep.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-06-03T16:52:00

2009-06-03T20:52:54Z

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

hates_requiemx @ 2009-05-31T17:37:00

2009-05-31T21:39:50Z

"In my struggle to be human, I feel more and more deformed."

hates_requiemx @ 2009-05-24T13:29:00

2009-05-24T17:30:47Z

Today i've had.

3 pieces of gum : >15 cals
potato chips : 150 cals
egg+cheese sandwich : 325 cals

total : 490 calories

downside : since its the weekend my dad cooks dinner. so i had to eat . i had two small scoops white rice, small scoop of beans, and 3 plaintains.

i dont think it was that bad and now im chewing on another piece of gum and drinking diet coke to kill the new cravings i have.
fuck food !

tomorow i have to march in the parade, and there's a bbq after. im only going to stay until they start serving the food that when im going to GTFO lol.

anyway i'll prob go on the treadmill after i digest a little so that i can at least burn off some of what i ate earlier today :[

hates_requiemx @ 2009-05-20T21:23:00

2009-05-21T01:25:20Z

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

i need to lose weight D:

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-27T17:36:00

2009-04-27T21:40:31Z

im going on a five day fast. my scale is fucked up so im not even bothering with stats.
what im doing is using a pair of size 1 skinny jeans that i bought last year and never wore them.
they still have the tags on them but there way to small.
ive decided that my goal is to be small enough to fit in to them.

today is day one of the fast since i fucked up yesterday.
im doing good so far but i know the hardest is the third day.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-26T10:51:00

2009-04-26T14:51:39Z

fasting today from 11am to 11am tommorow.

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-21T17:49:00

2009-04-21T21:52:11Z

Girl Confessions

[] I'm straight.
[] I'm gay.
[x] I'm bi.
[] I'm easy.
[x] I wear make up.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look
[] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see
[x]When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[] I wear a bra to bed.
[] Ocassionally I sleep naked.
[x] I wear toe nail polish.
[] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I'm not gonna stop talking to someone just because my boyfriend doesnt like him
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like.
[] I love chocolate covered pretzels.
[] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[] I've wrecked a car.
[] I can't put mascara/eyeliner on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy.
[x] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love cuddling.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[x] I've gotten a detention.
[x] I've gotten suspended.
[] I've gotten expelled.
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I carry a purse everywhere.
[] I carry a bag everywhere.
[] I'd be lost without my cell phone.
[] I'd be lost without my mp3/CD player.
[] I did own a Spice Girls CD.
[] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[] Football isn't boring.
[] I love athletic boys
[] I love country boys .
[x] I love skater guys.
[x] I love punk guys.
[] I love gangsta guys.
[] I love emo guys.
[] I love gothic guys.
[x] I love nerds.
[x] I love guys that are just themselves.
[x] I love guys with longish hair.
[x] I love guys with mohawks.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a tease.
[x] I've been called a slut.
[x] I've been called a bad influence.
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick.
[] I can't leave the house without makeup.
[x] I can play video games, even when there are other people around.
[] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[] I would do anything for my friends.
[x] I want to be with a certain someone right now.
[] I smoke way too much.
[x] I drink way too much.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have (a) piercing

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-21T17:06:00

2009-04-21T21:09:08Z

got fat again.

ive decided that im going to give myself 28 days.
28 days to lose weight and gain muscle.

day 1 = 118 lbs
day 2 = 117.5 lbs
* treadmill = 28mins
* crunches = 150
* push ups = 5 mins

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-20T18:24:00

2009-04-20T22:25:24Z

help

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-07T16:27:00

2009-04-07T20:28:38Z

my scale is plotting against me.

it said i was 111 lbs this morning which cant be possible cuz im not that skinny -____-;;
but whatever .

~~120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112~~ 111 <--apparently this is my current weight

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-04T01:23:00

2009-04-04T05:24:25Z

JESS I KNO UR READING THIS DONT TRY AND DENY IT

O__o

haha thats psycho

hates_requiemx @ 2009-04-03T17:57:00

2009-04-03T21:59:19Z

120
119
118
117.5
117
116
~~115~~
~~114~~
113
112

fuckmylife

hates_requiemx @ 2009-03-27T16:55:00

2009-03-27T20:58:20Z

ate around 550-600 calories today
im dropping the weight relatively quickly =]
my guidance counselor is cute :3
but thats off the subject.
i'm glad that ive been able to get back on track <3

120
119
118
117.5
117
116

----------------
Listening to: Katy Perry - Thinking of You
via FoxyTunes

hates_requiemx @ 2009-03-26T20:03:00

2009-03-27T00:07:14Z

i've decided to make a thinspo video >_>
i'll post it here when it's all done.

todays intake = 730 calories
so thats 430 less then yesterday.

my goal for tommorow is below 550 calories.

i lost .5 pounds since yesterday .. good i suppose bettter then nothing!

120
119
~~118.5~~
118

----------------
Listening to: Chiodos - The Word 'Best Friend' Become Redefined
via FoxyTunes

hates_requiemx @ 2009-03-25T22:33:00

2009-03-26T02:41:42Z

i broke out the fucking red bracelet again today.
my current weight is 119-120 pounds, disgusting.
my new goal weight is 116.
then 113 . 110 . 106<33333

106 is the lowest i ever was. i wanna be like that again =D

calorie intake = 1200
...

300 sit ups + training at the fire station

cw - 119-120
gw1 - 116